These days, advice is just too easy to find. From the advice column in magazines to the well-informed neighbor down the street, there is always somebody willing to put in their two cents. But really, two cents just doesn't hold the economic power that it used to, and neither does most of the advice that
comes attached to it.
One source of advice that comes to us is in the form of short sayings and proverbs. In taking a closer look, however, I noticed that perhaps the original bearer of such a line wasn't so much giving advice as he was asking for it. Therefore, I decided to dig into the couch cushions, pull out two cents of my own, and let them know what I think is best. Hey, it even comes with a gum wrapper and a stale Cheeto. You can’t beat that!
It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.
Really? You’re looking for a needle. Don’t they come in packs of like, 8? You’re sure that you need this one? How did it even get in there, were you monogramming a horse, sewing a quilt, giving someone a shot? Ridiculous. I doubt you’re even qualified to be giving shots. What if you find it, then what? The only way you’ll know is if it pokes you, and then you’ll just bleed everywhere, and since you’re not an actual doctor you’ll have to go to the hospital.
My advice? Swallow your pride. Use my two cents to buy a new needle. And then, for goodness sakes stay away from the hay. The End.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
This is too vague to be considered useful. What variety of apple is it you speak of? Red delicious, golden, pink lady perhaps? Can you put the apple inside of stuff and still have it work, such as a pie or juice? Does it even have to be ingested? Or are you just holding an apple in the palm of your hand? And on a more serious note, why don’t you want to be around a doctor? What if you choked on that apple, he/she might come in handy! Oh my…you’re not throwing the apples at medical professionals are you?
My advice? Save yourself a potential lawsuit. Choose a different fruit to eat or hold or whatever it is that you intend to do and behave responsibly! Make an appointment with your physician so that you can remain healthy, and treat him/her with respect when you’re there. The End.
Clothes don’t make the man.
Well, unless magical potions or enchantments are involved, I agree with this one. Clothes are inanimate objects, and therefore lack the necessary skills to make much of anything besides a mess. The only loophole I see that might be worth investigating is whether or not clothes could make a scarecrow. But that is a stretch.
My advice? Overall, this is relatively good advice, don’t be afraid of little men springing up from piles of clothes and full closets. The End.
Dead men tell no tales.
Uhh, have you seen the History channel? Their whole premise is that dead men CAN do just that very thing. What were you doing, wandering around cemeteries with a microphone? Amateur.
My advice? Get cable. Or get a job working for the History Channel. Either will solve your problem and sheer lack of understanding.
Honey catches more flies than vinegar.
So, I don’t know about you, but I detest flies. Especially when they are near me. So, if you are advising I cover myself with vinegar and keep my attitude bitter and acidic then I think this advice is great, and should be marketed alongside pesticides and sprays. If, however, you are encouraging me to invest in honey,
you’ve got another thing coming.
My advice? You obviously have an abnormal attachment to gross bugs and insects. Take a bath, lose the flies. You might gain some human companions in the process. The End.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
Number one, who in their right mind is going to live in a house made entirely of glass? How would they even build it? How much Windex would they use in a day? Number two, that is just prejudice. Just because someone does choose to live a lifestyle that you don’t agree with, doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be able to throw a stone or two. Skipping rocks is a favorite pastime of many people, regardless of their habitat construction materials.
My advice? Drop the hate. Next time you feel the urge to throw stones, ask a glass housed neighbor to join you. You might even make a good friend. The End.
So there you are folks, a whopping twelve cents from yours truly. Now don’t go spending it all in one place now, ya hear?
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