So, recently ( as in a few hours ago recently) one of my very best friends and roommate decided to take a leave of absence from his current situation, and board a plane headed to Madrid. As in Madrid, Spain. As in, he’ll be gone for two weeks and will be very far away. Overall, this will be fantastic. He will get to create memories that will last throughout his lifetime, and I will get to leave my make-up all over the bathroom counter. As much as I will miss him, I’m glad that he is able to go, and I know that he will be very safe in his travels.
As a token of friendship, I wanted to assure him that while he is away, everything will be just fine at home. I and our other roommate are very responsible individuals, and he has no reason to worry at all about the house, or his belongings, or anything at all. In fact, he can just explore Europe with peace of mind and a clear thought process, uninhibited by irrational fears or worries of what might happen at home. Seriously, just have a little faith. I can see all those ‘what-if’ scenarios, and really, you have nothing to worry about.
Like, zip, zilch, nada, naught, diddly squat, nothing.
What if the plants die?
Plant Needs: So, if you’ve read previous blog posts, you’ll know that I’m not the greatest supporter of plants. However, I respect that because these plants belong to others, they will actually need to be taken care of. Now, just because you may have witnessed me screaming, “Grow, Whore, grow!” at the various house plants, please believe me when I say that I can have a tender side towards these potted companions. I will either find this elusive side hidden away within me, or pay someone else to come do it. Same goes for the garden. (Oh, and p.s. can you BELIEVE someone trusts ME to take care of an entire GARDEN? There are really no words…) Ahem, just relax, and let me take care of everything. I have high hopes that all of our green friends will be blooming and gorgeous and will have won multiple blue ribbons at county fairs by the time you get back. Yep. The future is bright…
What if there’s a fire?
Fire: First of all, we are not arsonists. In fact, our lease actually prevents us from having any open flames within our dwelling, so even if we were bonfire inclined, we would need to find another location. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I did happen to cause an evacuation of our house growing up due to a slight cooking mishap. But realistically, I was eight, and didn’t know that putting chicken nuggets in the microwave for 30 minutes could cause such damage. I meant to stop the timer sooner, I just got distracted. Anyway, it was a long time ago. Oh, and that water heater thing at my last place, not my fault. Besides those, there was only that one other time… wow, so, just remember, nothing to worry about there. Moving right along.
How will my fish cope?
Pet Care: This area in particular is one that I really expect to shine in. Never mind me not having a pet growing up, and excluding my pet bird named Squazzil that lives in the great outdoors and is, for the most part, imaginary, I am determined to succeed in taking care of the house fish! I am going to feed the fish every day. Because, like people, fish need food. That’s important. I would never, ever, ever forget to feed your fish. Even if I was simultaneously fighting off a burglar trying to pelt me with water balloons while he forced me to make him a plate of macaroni and cheese. Even then, I would feed your fish! But not macaroni and cheese. No sir, you do not feed fish macaroni and cheese. Or cake. Or broccoli. Oh, and I won’t put food coloring in his tank either. No shenanigans on this task, I promise!
The ‘What-If’ chain of thinking can go on forever. I can hear your thoughts running away with you: What if a tiger gets loose in the neighborhood? What if while I’m away they sell all of my belongings and use the money to feed children in Africa? What if there’s a flood? What if aliens make contact and abduct my two fantastically beautiful, charming, and astoundingly intelligent roommates? What if, what if, what if?
Calm down, take a deep breath, and just realize that it’s all going to be okay. We will take care of all the little things, all the big things, and all the things somewhere in the middle. To be sure, it is much more fun to tackle these challenges with you here. To have company when we make dinner, to have another set of ears to listen to my latest encounter with you-know-who, really everything that happens is better when you’re here to be a part of it. But for now at least, go off and explore La Europa without us. Just remember, you’re in charge of bringing back at least four attractive foreign men back home with you.
You might want to start looking…
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