Terr-uh-fied.

This post began as a like/dislike list. But I got fixated on my first item. So the rest will have to wait. Which is sad, because I really like a lot of awesome stuff. Instead, you get to read about something I don’t like. Oh well, you've made it this far, you might as well read on…

Things I don’t like:

Ladybugs. I am terr-uh-fied of these beastly creatures. They are awful. I can’t remember a time when the presence of them didn't cause some form of mild heart attack. I do remember a time however, when one of them landed on our tram on the Lagoon Skyride. I began to crawl out of the tram in horror, 60 feet above the ground, while a friend of mine frantically brushed it away. Then I made my way back in, barely breathing.

 I more afraid of ladybugs than I am that Kristen Stewart’s face is stuck permanently in that dull stoner expression and that I’ll be forced to see that repulsive expression for many Oscars to come due to bad casting calls. Now that’s fear.

You never see ladybugs coming. They always appear out of nowhere, lurking, skulking, being vicious in seemingly innocent ways. In no way is this a joke. Some close to me have doubted my sincerity. They have very nearly lost our friendship, putting this fear to the test.

Out of all the awful stories I collected from my ex, the worst is when I was cornered in the bedroom, clinging to the wall, in hysterics as a ladybug walked around by the doorway. He refused to move it and take it outside. (I may hate them, but I’m not a bug killer.) He was convinced that if I faced my fear, I could be rid of it. No. That is not how I work. I couldn't even run out of the house, because I’d have to past where it was, which in turn could have killed me. Or at least created a sobbing, vomiting, wreck of a human. Just because it’s ridiculous doesn't make it any less real.

I can look at pictures of them, and hold items that onto which people have drawn or painted them. It’s a sick joke of sorts, people will buy me these things as gag gifts. I bought you a plate…but….ha! It has a ladybug on it! Whatever. I don’t know what they expect. I’m weird, but I’m not crazy. My fear is rooted in the actual thing. The presence of it near me, and my knowledge of that presence. Shudder.

Listen, I know that humans have taken over the land, and destroyed forests, and eliminated habitats. We have much blame upon us as a species. But outside is still a really big place. And my house? Not as big. Therefore, there is no, absolutely no, reason why a vile ladybug should ever cross the threshold of my home. Or actually my porch. Once I found a dead ladybug on the porch couch. Of course, it was on a beautiful day and I had a book I was going to read, and I was in a gloriously calm mood. Then, BAM. Frozen. I tried to pep talk myself into getting a stick and knocking it off. No. I couldn't even get the other end of the stick to touch the thing, as I stood swaying on the porch, tears rolling down my cheeks. I actually had to leave the house. I waited until one of my sane roommates could take care of it. Which, in turn, led to a nasty round of, what I like to call: ‘You-Can’t-Really-Be-That-Afraid-So-I’m-Going-To-Test-Out-A-Theory-On-You’. Which, in turn, led to hysterics. Which, in turn, led to a friendship almost lost. Not even close to kidding.

The stories go on. It’s a blend of ludicrous and pathetic. Somewhere in my head, I just figured I would grow out of it. Then I never grew past 5 feet. Which, apparently, is simply not tall enough to outgrow an irrational fear of ladybugs. Add that to your scientific journals. I can even illustrate my point for you if you’re unable to read. It’s that important.

I guess it still requires reading...but the point remains the same!

I dearly hope that you are never put in the position of truly being afraid of something. But I know all of us are. Even so, I hope you don’t face that fear often. Because it’s an ugly, hideous feeling when you do. If we could just form an agreement with each other, that we would keep each other safe, from whatever evils (real, imaginary, and/or really imagined) that we may come across, I think I would feel a whole lot better in my situation. I think you might too. At least, consider it.

If you agree, respond by keeping all ladybugs far from my vicinity. You don’t need to harm them or anything like that. Just, you know, push them into a garden or something. Like a forest. Or maybe the Amazon, if you have those kinds of connections. On my end, I will respond by continuing to do what I've been doing all along. I’m going to assume that you are currently in a state of safety, and I wouldn't want to jeopardize that by doing something different. Unless, of course, you’re NOT in a state of safety. Like, you are near a ladybug. In which case, I cannot help you. If you are in a circumstance not involving a ladybug (and you’re sure that it doesn't involve one!) and are seeking my assistance, please contact me with a detailed description of what I can do to help. Until then, Godspeed.