Saturday, February 26

Nicklebee's Ultra Spectacular 'Are We Compatible?' Compatibility Quiz

I'm not sure if it's a February 'love is in the air' type thing, or an 'I'm getting older' type thing, but it has come to my attention multiple times recently that it might be the time to start looking for a mate. A steady Facebook news feed littered with engagement photos, anniversary dates, and newborn babies has started to get to me a bit, even though I feel it shouldn't.

After all, I'm pretty happy with where I'm at. I interact with the social world, I'm not living in particularly squalid hermit like conditions, I have a relatively stable career that I love unquestionably, and I generally keep myself pretty good company.

Plus, there are a lot of perks to being single in the world. There is never an accusation waiting for me in the morning over "stealing" the covers. The mountain load of blankets I curl up in are all mine, and I can twist, toss, and monopolize them to my heart's content. Also, scheduling works out well when you have only yourself to be accountable for. If I need to go somewhere, I go. If I'd rather not, I don't. There are fewer commitments and less stress when you don't feel required to align two busy agendas together in harmony.

Mostly though, the most secure thing about being single, is that you're single. There's not a lot of risk associated with it. There aren't dates that need to be remembered, fights to be avoided, or painful compromises to be made. You rely on yourself to make tough calls, supply your own happiness, keep your secrets, and plan out your own future. It can be so much easier than trying to rework your current path to include someone else that may or may not stick around anyway.

Nevertheless, I still find myself listening to the nagging thoughts that suggest the perks of such a solitude life will one day lose their charm for me. That maybe, one day, I'd be willing, if not eager to share my covers. That, just possibly, building a schedule of events with someone might not really be quite as inconvenient as I imagine it to be. Or that, as sensationally as I am able to navigate my life and the world around me, I could admit that it can at times be a little lonely, if not altogether tiring without a helping hand.

It is with this in mind, that I have decided to create a little quiz. You see, I seem to be sort of an odd human creature. Therefore, it makes sense to assume that if it is indeed in the cards for me to meet my match, that they too would be a bit atypical themselves. In order to weed out some of those potential fellows that may not make the cut in the long run, I have designed a helpful quiz to see if they're the right fit for a girl like me. I feel that this quiz spans a wide range of useful information, and if used correctly, will produce me with a suitable suitor. I've even included the answer key below for those of you that are curious to add up your score.

Without further interruption, I give you:

Nicklebee's Ultra Spectacular 'Are We Compatible?' Compatibility Quiz

Question 1: Do you believe in unicorns, dragons, and the existence of R.O.U.S.? (worth: 230 points)

a. Yes, of course! In fact, most of my closest friends are unicorns!
b. Even though I've never seen one up close, I'm 99% sure they are real.
c. Uhh,  what in the world is an R.O.U.S.?

Question 2: In the event that you are stranded on the planet Saturn, and must call on the aid of one of the groups below, who do you turn to? (worth: 38 points, with a bonus 1/2 point available for knowing who Tecnica, of Giavera del Montello is. )

a. The Jetsons
b. Tecnica, of Giavera del Montello
c. The Starship Enterprise

Question 3: Help! I'm trapped in a scary rain forest! Three creatures are looking to approach me, you have the power to defeat one of them. Which do you choose? (worth: 542.6 points)

a. A saber toothed tiger
b. A ladybug
c. A robotically enhanced chimpanzee

Question 4: A bomb is about to detonate, blowing up all of Middle Earth, and you are attempting to dismantle it. As the final seconds tick by, you decide to: (worth: 1,628 points)

a. cut the red wire
b. cut the blue wire
c. YouTube "How to Dismantle a Bomb That is Threatening Middle Earth", and proceed from there

Question 5: You arrive home one day to discover that I've set up shop as a magician. I need to practice some of my more dangerous tricks before I perform for a big audience, and enlist your help. You let me: (worth: 36,001 points)

a. Pull random coins out of your ears.
b. Saw you in half, and then put you back together.
c. Tell me I'm nuts.

Answer Key:

1. Correct Answer: 'b'. Let's face it, if your closest friends are unicorns, I am just not cool enough to be with you; if you're racking your brain for the definition of R.O.U.S. and coming up short, shame on you. Go read The Princess Bride, by William Goldman.

2. Any of the available answers are deemed acceptable. Consider this your freebie. Happy 38 points! (Don't forget to add on your 1/2 point if you knew that Tecnica, of Giavera del Montello was the creator of Moon Boots!)

3. Correct Answer: 'b'. Ladybugs are deadly, terrifying creatures and must be defeated at any cost. Besides, saber tooth tigers don't live in the rain forest, and I could just befriend the robot monkey.

4. Correct Answer: 'c'. It's okay not to know all of the answers to life's sudden emergencies, as long as you're willing to learn and find out! Oh, but subtract 359 points from your score if you don't know what Middle Earth is.

5. Correct Answer: 'a'. If you let me near a saw, you're not that smart. If you tell me I'm nuts, my feelings will be hurt, and I'll start to cry. Therefore, humoring me, but limiting my tricks to simple non-life threatening ones is the best choice.

Thanks for taking time to complete this quiz. If you feel that we might be compatible, please let me know. Otherwise, I wish you nothing but the best, and am sorry things didn't work out.  

Saturday, February 12

Wishful Thinking

Hi there. Me again.

Yeah , yeah, I know. My smile has gone missing. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm also missing an arm AND a leg. (Scroll back up and check.... yep. That's right. I wasn't even kidding.) At least I know where those are. The IRS. Sad, huh. 

I think the hardest part about paying taxes, is that you don't really know where your money is going. For all I know it could be passed along to corporate wiseguys that lounge around all day wearing ridiculous top hats and curling their mustaches. 


Bastards.

However,  if I knew it was going to a great cause, maybe I wouldn't feel so bad. It might even make me feel good. Like, maybe it's going to provide food for children that are hungry!


That wouldn't be so bad, that would be great! Eat up little buddies! Or maybe...


Wow! My money is helping fund public transportation! Cleaner air, and easier commuting for the young, the old, and all of us in between. What? The buses run on happy thoughts, and don't require us to deplete any natural resources in order for them to work? This isn't bad at all!


Oh, look! Even though they DID take my arm and my leg, they donated them to somebody who really needed them. I can't stay mad at the IRS for that! Get well soon Mr. Hadley! Take care of those!

Now, if I were really lucky, the government would save all the money that everyone gave them, and use it to sponsor a free ice cream day for America!


Honestly, if my taxes go to something as great as that, I'm happy to put in my share! Gee, I can't wait to find out when free ice cream day will be! I know I'll get an invitation, because I donated a lot to this cause! Until then, I guess I'll just grab a spoon and dive into the partially eaten half gallon in my freezer.
 Long live Double Fudge Brownie
Long Live America.
God Bless.

Saturday, February 5

The Protector of Knowledge

       So, I've been thinking a lot lately, about nerds. Mostly because I love them, but also because the mystery of being one fascinates me. Nerds are smart. Like, really smart. Even when their choices cause others to mock them ruthlessly, I'm confident that they have a good reason for what they are doing.

      Using big words, getting misty eyed hearing about the latest computer program, and wearing trench coats over Incredible Hulk pajamas while in line at the grocery store, most of these things I have little to no understanding of.

       However, not to make myself sound insanely wise or anything, I think I've figured out the reasons behind the pocket protector. Yes, I know. Mind blowing. All I can tell you is that those nerds that insist on wearing these devices, are hands down the smartest of the smart people. They know what's at stake. Something exists within the pockets of nerds that requires protection. Something so big, that they must be willing to sacrifice their lives for it at any moment.

      Now, I can't honestly say I know for sure what the pocket holds that is worth so much. Maybe a pen, perhaps a pencil, maybe it isn't even within the pocket at all. It could be that the pocket covers an area of a humans chest that synthesizes ultra tricky information procedures. I may never know. But I do know that if you are indeed a nerd, you do need to commit to wearing a pocket protector daily. You never know what could happen...

Meet Hector.


And yes, I realize that with a name like like, the poor guy never really stood a chance. Which is why Hector, wisely, chooses to wear-



A POCKET PROTECTOR!

Let's see how this accessory helps Hector throughout his day.



Oh no! A people eating dinosaur is after Hector's knowledge about time travel! What will he do? 


DA da da daaaa! Pocket Protector Activated!



Whew! That was close! Looks like Hector is doing okay though.
Wait, a second, what's that spot on his shirt?


NOOOOO!!! Not his KNOWLEDGE!


DA da da daaaa! Pocket Protector Activated!


That was close! Gee, that pocket protector sure is helpful! After such a stressful time, Hector needs a vacation. Maybe some underwater diving will relax him.



  What?! A laser beam enhanced octopus is going after Hector!!! Hector must be reeeeaaalllly smart to have so many things happening to him! I wonder if there's still time-



DA da da daaaa! Pocket Protector Activated!


Oh good! Way to go Hector!

      I think I've made my point. Pocket protectors are necessary devices that defend knowledge. Don't hate on those that wear them, because you never know when your thoughtless taunting will be mistaken as an actual threat.

      As a matter of fact, now that I have this knowledge about protecting knowledge, I should probably find a way to protect it...