Sometimes you wake up and see a picture of yourself using chopsticks
for the first time and then you realize that you’re sad. True story. Sometimes
you wake up and see clearly how everyone else in your life is ready and moving
along, and you’re not ready for that and would much rather stay put…but can’t.
Sometimes your inside jokes revolve around cows, ovens, and inappropriate
historical figures. And even though you make a conscious effort to appreciate
it while it’s going on, sometimes you realize that you could never have
appreciated it enough.
Roommates are bad. At least, that’s what I’d heard. They
steal your stuff and don’t pay bills and they take existing friendships and
burst them into smithereens. Apparently, for the last two years, me and my best
friends did the whole roommate thing completely wrong. We only borrowed stuff,
however permanently, paid our bills, however late, and walked away with our
friendships stronger than ever before.
The past two years, I took up new residence at The Place with
the Stuff. Because, of course, you always name the things that are important to
you. And as I pack up my belongings, and half-heartedly look towards an
uncertain future, I wish I never had to leave at all.
My best friends drank wine. They let me duct tape their
things to the walls, draw smiley faces on their fingers, and heard me rant
about the mess in the kitchen. It would be a miracle if anyone ever wanted to
live with me again.
I get that life moves on. That it is a fluid process, adjusting
to each new day and each new choice that we find ourselves having to make. I
understand that sometimes people close to us need to go farther away from us,
to search for things they don’t have names for but know they need all the same.
I know that people need space to grow, and sometimes that space is an inch away,
and sometimes it’s a lot longer than an inch. I see that while beginnings are
scary, they can lead us to new adventures, and new companions, and bring
together life in surprising ways. I get it. I understand it. I see it. It still
sucks.
I don’t even know how to explain it to anyone. To myself,
even. Without crying. Which I don’t do. Ever. That despite having moments in my life
where I was so confused and alone, that I ended up in a sanctuary. One that was
decorated with giraffes and had a train whistle by the remote. That 7:30 a.m. became a highlight of my day,
because lunches are being packed and noise travels through heating vents more
readily than previously thought. So many memories. So many witnesses to so many
memories. I don’t know how many people have thrown up at my house, but I guarantee
that I cleaned it up for you. It happens. You’re welcome.
The thing is, I cannot imagine a time in my life when
everything will be as seamlessly connected as it has been these past years.
Where your bad moods didn’t go unnoticed, and you had somebody to cry with.
When Mondays were hard, and you weren’t a drunk as long as you opened the
bottle with a friend. When great news was a celebration, and stories became
performances, and the times you laughed the hardest were the ones where someone
decided to go to the gym. As they were eating a donut.
My new house will be quiet. And dumb. It will be messy, and
I will have no one to blame for that mess but myself. And I will consider
calling people, but will talk myself out of it, assuming that they are busy and
don’t need to be bothered. And I will be fine. And I feel as though everyone
will head out on grand adventures, and return with their cheeks flushed and
their eyes widened, and find me the same as when they had left. And that is
probably my greatest fear. Even more than ladybugs. No, that’s not true.
Ladybugs are still scarier. But it’s a close second. Because while everyone
around me is moving on, I’m just moving. And I wander aimlessly, unsure of
where to go or what to do. Knowing that the people in my life that know me
best, that let me be my weird awkward self, are all sleeping under different
roofs. And I never thought that I could miss people so much.
At my age, a lot of people are married, or heading there. Or
they have kids, or are heading there. They have this path somewhere out ahead
of them that includes other people. Well, I’m not getting married or having
kids. And while I may be getting more awesome, if there’s no one around to
vouch for it, it could just be me making that up. I can’t get cats, because I
don’t like them. I can’t get plants, because I kill them. At this point, I just
have no idea. So I continue to pack up my massive amounts of crap, crossing my
fingers that it will fit in my Harry Potter cupboard sized new place, and eat a
lot of grapes. In the form of wine. And wait to see what happens next.
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| It's fine. Really. I'm much more capable now. Promise. |
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| The best people I know. |
Also, while packing I seem to have misplaced my Harry Potter books. That could really be where this whole thing started. I know I put them somewhere safe. Somewhere so, so, so safe. And secret. And apparently also invisible...
